Gryphonification: Hakkyou no Hitotsumami
by gryphonsson
Summary: The first of a series of fics I plan to make where I do things MY WAY! In other words... THIS IS THE MOTHER OF ALL NARUTO CRACKFICS! Naruto finds a contract in the Forbidden Scroll that promises awesome powers. The price: His sanity. YAY! Naru/CatgirlTora


(Camera centers in on a lab, with Naruto in a coma with a needle in his head)

GS: Is the sample ready for transplanting?

Inu: Yep!

GS: And… transplant!

(Brain cells move from the needle thingy to Naruto's head)

Inu: By the way, exactly who was the donor for the brain cells?

GS: Uh… (Halo appears over his head, then falls to the ground, shattering)

Inu: (with a look of horror) You didn't…

Naruto: (sits up) Oh yes he did, girlfriend! (Pounds it with GS)

(Inu looks from one to the other in absolute horror, then drops into the fetal position, sucking his thumb.)

GS: Huh… (Looks at Naruto) Well, while Inu's out on the floor, wanna Gryphonify your universe?

Naruto: HELL YEAH! The G-man don't own Naruto. WORD TO YO MAMA!

GS: TAKE THAT, SUCKERS!

* * *

Tcartnoc Ssendam Eht: Eno Retpahc

* * *

Naruto looked at the Forbidden Scroll. 'Okay, so I learned a jutsu, so I still have time to learn another one… hey, what's that?' He found a strange poem:

For he who wants power beyond their wildest dreams,

You must sign the Contract of Insanity.

Sign thy name in thy own blood,

And you will strike fear in your enemies and All That Crud.

To summon, use the signs of the Zodiac,

And be prepared to cut Kami some slack;

For this breaches the bounds of Reality,

So your mind will wander free.

For those not 'in the know':

This is the Madness Contract. If you sign your name here in your blood, you gain the ability to do things that defy all sensibility. Among these are making random objects fall on your enemies, pulling more objects out of nowhere, and the almighty Super Burp, capable of bringing mass destruction within a 3-mile radius. In addition, you will gain a familiar and a soulmate. However, you'll end up losing your marbles. Also, to summon random figments of your imagination, a. k. a. the Insanity Summoning, do the signs Rat, Ox, Tiger, Rabbit, Dragon, Snake, Horse, Ram, Monkey, Bird, Dog, and Boar, in that order. Then think of what you want to summon and slam the hand you signed the contract with on the ground. The best part is that this takes NO CHAKRA AT ALL. TALK TO THE HAND! –The Almighty G (A/N: Guess who?)

P.S.: If the contract accepts you, cats and dogs will fall from the sky, pigs shall fly, and cockroaches will march on your hometown screaming world domination. If it happens, don't worry, it's only temporary.

Naruto read it and grinned. 'Loosing your marbles doesn't sound to bad a trade for abilities like that! I'LL DO IT!' He bit his thumb and signed it in his blood. Then all hell broke loose! YAY!

* * *

Iruka stared at the black kitty in front of him. 'WTF?'

Now you see, it wasn't the kitty itself that prompted that reaction. No, kitties are perfectly normal. However, there was a big difference between this kitty and the average kitty:

This kitty fell out of the sky.

The kitty ran off, leaving a dumbfounded Iruka to watch as it started raining cats and dogs (literally), a bunch of winged pigs flew across the sky, and a bunch of cockroaches with tanks marched on Konoha, screaming "WORLD DOMINATION!"

Then, as quickly as it started, it all vanished as if it had never been, and Iruka thought one thing.

'I'd bet a year's worth of wages that Naruto is involved in this somehow.'

* * *

A bit later…

* * *

Iruka shouted at Naruto, "WHY THE HECK DID YOU STEAL THE FORBIDDEN SCROLL?"

Naruto just said, "Because Mizuki-sensei said if I got it and learned a jutsu, I'd pass. Not only did I learn a jutsu, but I signed a thingy, yep!" He nodded sagely.

Iruka stared. "Would the 'thingy' you signed have something to do with what happened earlier?

Naruto stared back. "You mean the kitties n' doggies n' porci n' roaches?"

Iruka twitched. "Yes…"

Naruto nodded and gave Iruka a grin that said 'I'm insane!' "Yep! Isn't it awesome!"

Iruka groaned. 'Why me?' "Look Naruto, you shouldn't--"

"INCOMING!" Naruto got a bazooka out of nowhere and blasted the incoming shuriken.

BOOM!

Iruka stared, then shook off his confusion and shouted, "Come on out, Mizuki!"

Mizuki jumped out of the tree and said to Naruto, "Good job. Give me the scroll and you pass."

Iruka shouted, "NO, NARUTO! DON'T GIVE IT TO HIM!"

Mizuki grinned. "Tell me Naruto, do you want to know why everyone hates you?"

Naruto looked at him, not listening to Iruka's cry of "No, Mizuki! It's forbidden!" "Well, let's hear it."

"The Kyuubi attacked 12 years ago, but not even the Yondaime Hokage could kill it. Instead, he reincarnated it into a newborn baby! YOU ARE THE NINE-TAILED FOX!"

Naruto just stared at him in shock before a voice spoke up. "You actually believe that bullshit?" The heads of every being turned to the source of the voice to find…

A black kitty-cat with yellow eyes.

Naruto was the first to speak. "I'm guessing you're my familiar?"

The cat looked at him and said, "Got that right, kid. The name's Kage."

Naruto nodded. "Hi, I'm Naruto. By the way, would you mind clawing his face off?" he asked, pointing at Mizuki.

"Sure, no problem." Kage then proceeded to go into 'Tiger Mode,' a. k. a. 'Claw-the-Poor-Sucker's-Face-Off-and-Castrate-Him-as-Extreme-Punishment Mode.'

"AGH! NOT THERE! SPARE MEEE!"

* * *

30 seconds later

* * *

"Thanks!"

"My pleasure. By the way, your soulmate will be arriving tonight at midnight."

"Good to know. Wanna go get some ramen?"

"Sure! I hear it's great!"

The two then left, leaving a flabbergasted Iruka and a bloody paste on the ground. 'What the fuck just happened?!?'

* * *

Inu: (snaps out of it and stands up) YOU DIDN'T! (Rushes to the video screen on which the fanfiction happened) You did… (faints)

GS & Naruto: (too busy dancing in a circle, chanting 'Read and Review' to notice)


End file.
